I left my life coach Esmerelda at work. I picture her alone in the dark, sitting in her boat, waiting for someone to motivate. I’m not making her job easy, but then again, don’t all therapist/life coach/counselors have the same problem: you can’t help someone not willing to be helped?
Even a person who has done a good chunk of the hard work can suddenly bail and stop showing up. I imagine that, in a way, it’s a huge relief for the therapist/life coach/counselor. It’s the perfect time for a mental break.
If the depressed girl doesn’t show up, I don’t have to care about her today.
I am at high risk of a relapse to drinking. I almost drank in Los Angeles–literally sat in my hotel room before a work dinner debating it ahead of time–but didn’t. It is the worst craving I’ve had since last summer at a writing conference when I desperately wanted wine to help socialize with strangers at a cocktail party.
I almost drank last week one night after a tough day at work and a headache. I almost drank because my back hurts. I almost drank because my husband ordered wine at dinner the other night.
My sobriety has not been a priority recently. I haven’t gone to a meeting in months. It has been nearly a year since I’ve been sober. My doctor tells me a lot of people relapse at this point, when enough time has passed that you convince yourself you can start and stop anytime you want. I mean, if I can go over 300 days without drinking, I can do it again, right?
Here is my rationalization:
- I never said I was an alcoholic. I stopped drinking because I was really, really depressed and wanted my medication to work.
- Drinking makes my back hurt way less. When I’m not drinking, I am aware of chronic pain pretty much all the time.
- Everybody else is drinking. You should have seen all the drunk people at the concert I went to last night.
- The bouncer drew a sad face on my hand when I told him I didn’t need a wristband for the bar. A fucking sad face!
- My eleven year old son felt sorry for me, patted my arm in an encouraging manner and said, “It’s OK. You can drink if you want to.”
I wish life wasn’t so tied up with drinking. That I spent the time to write this tells me I shouldn’t. I’m not going to. I won’t. Not today anyway.
Sobriety tip: Watch Intervention on A&E. It really puts things in perspective.
I should knit something. As you’ve probably noticed, I really suck at it. But that doesn’t mean I should quit, right?