Dreaming about a Drink

File Apr 21, 4 20 43 AM

Esmerelda mans the ship 

I left my life coach Esmerelda at work. I picture her alone in the dark, sitting in her boat, waiting for someone to motivate. I’m not making her job easy, but then again, don’t all therapist/life coach/counselors have the same problem: you can’t help someone not willing to be helped?

Even a person who has done a good chunk of the hard work can suddenly bail and stop showing up. I imagine that, in a way, it’s a huge relief for the therapist/life coach/counselor. It’s the perfect time for a mental break.

If the depressed girl doesn’t show up, I don’t have to care about her today.

I am at high risk of a relapse to drinking. I almost drank in Los Angeles–literally sat in my hotel room before a work dinner debating it ahead of time–but didn’t. It is the worst craving I’ve had since last summer at a writing conference when I desperately wanted wine to help socialize with strangers at a cocktail party.

I almost drank last week one night after a tough day at work and a headache. I almost drank because my back hurts. I almost drank because my husband ordered wine at dinner the other night.

My sobriety has not been a priority recently. I haven’t gone to a meeting in months. It has been nearly a year since I’ve been sober. My doctor tells me a lot of people relapse at this point, when enough time has passed that you convince yourself you can start and stop anytime you want. I mean, if I can go over 300 days without drinking, I can do it again, right?

Here is my rationalization:

  • I never said I was an alcoholic. I stopped drinking because I was really, really depressed and wanted my medication to work.
  • Drinking makes my back hurt way less. When I’m not drinking, I am aware of chronic pain pretty much all the time.
  • Everybody else is drinking. You should have seen all the drunk people at the concert I went to last night.
  • The bouncer drew a sad face on my hand when I told him I didn’t need a wristband for the bar. A fucking sad face!
  • My eleven year old son felt sorry for me, patted my arm in an encouraging manner and said, “It’s OK. You can drink if you want to.”

I wish life wasn’t so tied up with drinking. That I spent the time to write this tells me I shouldn’t. I’m not going to. I won’t. Not today anyway.

Sobriety tip: Watch Intervention on A&E. It really puts things in perspective.

I should knit something. As you’ve probably noticed, I really suck at it. But that doesn’t mean I should quit, right?

One comment

  1. Twilight Storm Crafts · April 26, 2016

    I’m really proud of you for sticking it out and not taking that drink. I still have the silly thing I made you about 80% done just incase you do decide you want it for your full year of being sober btw. I haven’t finished a project since my cursed spring chicks… Only one is still around I can even take a picture of and it looks like a baby kiwi rather than a chick….. Every time I worked on them or even started setting up for pictures my mom would end up back in the hospital… I’m not sure how long she has left. But it’s sad. I’ve really been working hard to blog positively though…. (Don’t worry the thing I made you is NOT a cursed chick!) I haven’t blogged because I’m depressed and I’ve been helping my mom as much as I can. I’ve been stress eating too….. I used to be 125 lbs….. I’m 5’3 and weigh almost 200 lbs. now. I packed on way too much weight. I can sympathize with the chronic back pain from an injury I got at work years ago, my Sheppard, rest her soul, also took out my knees.(ironically she killed my knees being a good girl by coming to a perfect heel at my feet…at full speed…using me as a blue gym safety pad to stop lol) My excessive eating is not helping pain either…. I was at the grocery store and heard someone say I walk like a zombie or an old lady… I should dig out my old Grateful Dead shirts. Then they could really let the walking dead jokes roll lmao!

    Anyway, you’re inspiring for being strong. Just don’t go and put Esmeralda on a wagon…. Can’t have your life coach falling off after all. She’s doing a great job holding down the ship. 🙂 (I better get your present/award/goofy-thing done soon too, I don’t have many more days left to finish it!)


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